It's really very simple

Speaking with an awesome mom today who wanted to help her defiant 7 year old, I heard myself saying "so much of parenting is really so simple". She said that is what she was beginning to understand. I encouraged her to reconnect with her defiant child, since they were obviously not emotionally attuned at that moment, with scooping him up into her arms. I know this mother and child well and knew that both would find this rewarding. I encouraged mother to gaze into his eyes, offer a large dose of affection and attention, and let him know she looked forward to his complying with her wishes. This is so much more effective than yelling, nagging, scolding or spanking. It re-establishes the emotional bond, offers love and support and helps the child re-regulate his mood and feel more like pleasing mother. Mother in turn feels good because she has not used scolding, spanking and yelling. This approach is not always possible or advised, but when it is appropriate, it is quick, positive and leaves both mother and child (or of course father and child) feeling better about themselves and each other.

Playing with our Children

I was standing in line at the bank the other day when I noticed a mother and her two year old in front of me.  The little guy had three toy figures and was playing with them while waiting for his mother to conduct her business at the teller's window.  Instead of running around or whining, he was engrossed in the most natural activity of childhood:  playing.  He was developing his imagination while pretending; projecting his thoughts and feelings onto his three toy figures: one red, one yellow, one green.  I heard him say "Mom, you be the green one." and fortunately this wise mother engaged with him in play while waiting for the teller to return.  They dialogued and had fun together, strengthening their bond, helping this toddler see his mother as available and helping this todder to feel valuable.  It was just a simple act, stopped when the teller returned, but a critical piece in the developmental life of this child.  If each parent played with their child each day,  we child therapists would be out of work!