How to Really Love a Child by Sark

Talking to Children about Violence

Today America is reeling from the horrific massacre of 26 people in Newtown, Connecticut.  Children are exposed to the ever present media coverage and I am concerned about this exposure.  I imagine many parents are wondering what to tell their children.  Should we be honest and explain the facts frankly or shield them from this inexplicable tragedy?   That depends upon their age.  Anything having to do with children depends upon their developmental readiness.

For very young children aged two to five:

1. Turn off the TV
2. Get out the toys
3. Spend time on the floor playing with your child/children today.  Forget about your TO DO list.
4. They do not need to know about what happened!

For very young children who already know or have heard about what happened:

1.  Turn off the TV
2. Get out the toys
3. Spend time on the floor playing with your child/children today.
4.  Play is the child's most effective coping skill.  Let him or her use it today.
5. Explain to the child that something really awful happened today and some children were hurt.
6. Give the child time to respond.
7. Answer the child's questions with very short, simple words and a kind look on your face and using a gentle voice.  Then Listen.
8. Answer any other questions that come up as best you can.
9.  Let the child play today with toys that foster the imagination like animals and people figures, fighting figures if you allow those in your home, houses and dress up clothes, babies and blankets, clay or play dough, blocks, cars and trucks, police men perhaps.  See what the child wants  to play out.  It is the best coping skill your child has.
10.  This is a time to stay close to home, promote increased security by keeping routines the same and decrease anxiety by offering yourself, your time and your energy to just "be with" your child now.

Let's All Take a Deep Breath!

I was standing in a long post office line today and the young mother behind me was talking on her cell phone and I could not help but overhear her. She was telling someone about her very difficult day and how she did not know if she could get everything done. She said that doing errands with her three children was a "nightmare". I couldn't help but look behind me to see a sleeping baby, a well behaved 7 year old and a quiet 4 year old. Oh my goodness! What is the nightmare?? This poor woman was so anxious that even this apparently simple situation was a "nightmare". She went on to complain bitterly of her fate in life. So I decided to turn and smile at her and her children and she smiled back. Then I started to practice my deep breathing and hoped that just by breathing deeply near by an anxious person, I might help her to re-regulate. Let's all of us take a deep breath or ten, realize the blessings right in front of you, hug your children, thank whomever you like to thank during these moments that you have so much in so many ways. I recommend a book entitled Buddha's Brain: the practical neuroscience of love, happiness and wisdom. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly and know you are blessed just to be alive.

Feed Your Precious Children Precious Food

I was looking for a good recipe for gluten free granola, which I plan to make for Christmas gifts instead of bread this year, and I found a great blog: whattofeedyourkids.blogspot.com I hope that more and more mothers will investigate the role that nutrition plays in their child's health and behavior. When I raised my son in the 70's, we were just entering the era of "health food" and I am glad that one of the things I did right, (there were so many that I did wrong!), was to introduce him to healthy good food. He still eats healthfully and so this gift will hopefully last a lifetime. But we did not know then, what we are discovering now, that besides sugar, some food contains toxins, carcinogens and that some children are uniquely sensitive to other innocent nutrients like gluten. Check out this blog, make changes in your children's diet, and for heaven's sake, stay away from fast food!

It's really very simple

Speaking with an awesome mom today who wanted to help her defiant 7 year old, I heard myself saying "so much of parenting is really so simple". She said that is what she was beginning to understand. I encouraged her to reconnect with her defiant child, since they were obviously not emotionally attuned at that moment, with scooping him up into her arms. I know this mother and child well and knew that both would find this rewarding. I encouraged mother to gaze into his eyes, offer a large dose of affection and attention, and let him know she looked forward to his complying with her wishes. This is so much more effective than yelling, nagging, scolding or spanking. It re-establishes the emotional bond, offers love and support and helps the child re-regulate his mood and feel more like pleasing mother. Mother in turn feels good because she has not used scolding, spanking and yelling. This approach is not always possible or advised, but when it is appropriate, it is quick, positive and leaves both mother and child (or of course father and child) feeling better about themselves and each other.

Playing with our Children

I was standing in line at the bank the other day when I noticed a mother and her two year old in front of me.  The little guy had three toy figures and was playing with them while waiting for his mother to conduct her business at the teller's window.  Instead of running around or whining, he was engrossed in the most natural activity of childhood:  playing.  He was developing his imagination while pretending; projecting his thoughts and feelings onto his three toy figures: one red, one yellow, one green.  I heard him say "Mom, you be the green one." and fortunately this wise mother engaged with him in play while waiting for the teller to return.  They dialogued and had fun together, strengthening their bond, helping this toddler see his mother as available and helping this todder to feel valuable.  It was just a simple act, stopped when the teller returned, but a critical piece in the developmental life of this child.  If each parent played with their child each day,  we child therapists would be out of work!  

Holding Our Children

While walking in my neighborhood recently, I saw a young mother holding her perhaps 5 month old baby on her hip, his body facing out, his little arms and legs outstretched stiffly while he cried loudly. Maybe it was just one of those moments in time, but I watch how parents carry their babies and sometimes I am stunned to see the infant being treated like a sack of potatoes.

I see parents mostly keeping their babies in the plastic car seats which become a carrier which becomes a seat. So Baby can go from car to parking lot to office in the convenient carrier. Kind of like a dish going from dishwasher to microwave to oven all without breaking. But these inventions do not necessitate the parent holding the child in arms, they prevent skin to skin contact and they do not promote eye contact: all the ingredients of a healthy and secure attachment between infant and parent.

I have watched a parent wildly swinging this carrier and new baby in a grocery store, I see many parents talking on cell phones while carrying baby in their carrier, babies never leaving the carrier except to be changed, babies propped with the bottle in the carrier: all convenient ways to care for baby but without giving the infant the essentials of care: eye contact, skin to skin touch and eye to eye cooing, smiling and talking. Have we lost our knowledge of the basic needs of the human infant?